if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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