All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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