Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
