i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
