Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
