can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i've created a new STD.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
