my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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