I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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