she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
