the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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