woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
