remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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