Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
