I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
