I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
