Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
