the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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