The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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