If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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