Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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