my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
