Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
