Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize