For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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