My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
