There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
