I'm so fucking centered right now
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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