Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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