I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
