so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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