what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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