My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
