Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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