Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
