he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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