Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
