i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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