oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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