Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All the doctor said was why
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
