My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
