Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
