What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
