she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
