Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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