i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
