i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
