i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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