i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
