Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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