So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
