So drunk its hurt
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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