What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Michael Bay diarrhea
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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