i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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