I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
