Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
