my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
