i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
